backstabbers & beauty queens

Right. So we had this awesome plan to make full use of cheap-tuesdays today/yesterday (considering it’s 3am) and the only thing we did on the planned list was watch a movie. And Jan wasn’t there ): “not a Harry Potter fan”, she says. pffft. still can watch right, woman. Tomorrow it’s suppose to be road-trip day (road-trip cause it takes about 45mins to get there) but someone has to move about and so I see how much of the awesome plan is going well so far. I guess plans are hard to keep to sometimes. So I think, I was a bit too ambitious to squeeze many activities in these next few days. Maybe I’ll just chillax and not worry and pack and slack and eat and chillax somemore. Strongbow is good stuff anyways.

I think the anger I have felt for you fluctuates like a business cycle. I have my peaks, and my troughs. I feel that only when you need me, you’d talk to me, be close, be sweet and everything. I stress on the ‘only when you need me’ cause’ that’s exactly how I feel and as much as I want to pick you up and throw you on the floor and beat you up for all the horrible shits you’ve made me go through, I still want to be close to you and let you use me. I don’t know why. But I guess you’re just like how J had put it; we probably indulge in you without realizing how much we do, I indulge in you more than I think I do. Even though I was told to try and ignore you and let it be, I still find myself falling into this pang of jealousy every time you don’t include me. And it’s funny, in the past, I want so much for you to not be around me that often; but now, I want you more than ever to be clingy. You just asked me if I want to go along with you to watch the festival, but I was already set that you were asking me just because you felt obligated to.

Today, I took a night drive with michelle who’s absolutely a sweetheart and was so willing to let me drive (even though I secretly was hoping she’d let me but yea that’s not the point) that I was quite like “need to earn her trust IN CASE IN CASE I need to ever borrow her car”. And we talked like we were really close friends and even though it wasn’t a bear-all-out session, it was nice getting to know someone better because it was a nice change from the usual faces/people you always spoke to. I think it is therapeutic  when you’ve got a nice chilly night, along with very nice/awesome company, and an almost empty road; you just talk about things you’d never think you’d talk to about with another person.

Then there’s you. Whom I dearly love but am starting to love lesser because of the way you’ve been hurting me. I do almost EVERYTHING for you; I baby -ed you. I was there for you when you needed me (even though I was at the brink of losing it when I didn’t see how clouded your judgement could get). I was willing, to compromise. And to hear/see you act like a child sometimes, I really don’t know what to say. So for putting up with your hurtful remarks for the sake of our friendship, I think we can never move in together.

And you, SMILE (: surprise soon <333

I hate you so bad. Probably cause’ one always finds it easier to hate rather than love. I am pushing everything onto you and your probably won’t even realise a thing cause one, even if you did show respect, you didn’t do anything to help; two, you didn’t respect me either; and three, I fucking apologized to you (even though I totally didn’t mean it in my head right after I said it). I think looking at you is disgusting cause’ you think you’re all that. Well, yes, you are. You are beautiful. But I’m suppose to hate you; that’s why I think I’m picking and pulling and trying so hard to find a fault in you. And then, I’ll turn around and comfort myself. I’d say, “in what way was I,am I,better. Did you do the same thing on a similar night like this? Was I ever better than you? Will you ever be like me? Are you better than I am now? ” hell if I could and had the guts and legal rights, I’d hit you. and vent everything out on you. Then when I’m done, I will feel bad and wished I didn’t make the first move. I remember getting out of my comfort zone, just so I could watch over you two. Yes, I felt the same way about you that someone else was feeling about me. I remember meeting you and realising how much I didn’t know you – how awkward it really was between us from the beginning. And to think, 4 years ago, I was on the phone, crying to you like hell. And to think now if I ever picked up that phone and dialed your number, it’d be one of the most unexpected happenings in your life. You’d wear a different face; depending on who was I with. And that didn’t occur to me until I was told by someone else to not think so much and let it go. Then I tried, I tried to let it go. I tried to like you for who you were. But the more I looked at you, the more I bore a grudge. I grew more weary. I grew more resentful. I grew hating you more than I ever did. And now, it still haunts me. In my sleeps. I won’t say dreams cause’ I don’t get the happy ones anymore. But you don’t even go near the category of nightmare. You simply are like a Jiminy Cricket. and I wish I could just squish you like an insect. But that makes me low. And yes, I am low. And I have tried to blame myself. for everything. I did beat myself for it. I still do. It might not seem like it to anyone; but we all have our own little secret corners that we cry to.And no, it doesn’t go away. Even if you try. And eventually, I get impatient. And then hurt myself even more. I am tired. And you probably aren’t even worth it. But hey, since I spent a late night on this, you probably do mean something; but not to me.

hell I wish I could tell you all this.

I’m sorry that I hurt you
It’s something that I live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away

And be the one who catches all your tears

♥

“Say what you mean and mean what you say”

- Cheshire Cat

fuck you. seriously. I can’t believe I spent 1.5 hours talking to you, (trying) to knock some serious ass sense into you, listen to you and your mother argue, try to understand although you’re my least favourite; and just when I thought you were starting to see the light, you still fucking didn’t. you are really messed up because never have I met someone as spoilt as you, and you don’t realise how many people fucking care for you and others, who like me, seriously can’t give a mother flying fuck about you, still have to carry out responsibilities set by those who care for you just so you’d stay on the right track. you have diverted way off course, and I seriously think you need a fucking tight slap or tantrum from me so that you’d fucking wake up and realise that the world does not revolve around you. Seriously, if you cared about yourself, you’d probably be better than your stupid self-centred mentality. But you rely on others to do the caring for you, to fucking pamper you. you fucking baby. grow up. you’re not 6, you’re 16. someone should give you a fucking big wake up call; then again, we have been trying to help you so many times but you still don’t fucking realise it. seriously, grow the fuck up. I can’t say I give up on you because I realise, that when I thought I could start to care, I didn’t. Because you don’t fucking deserve it. you don’t deserve a second chance because it was never in my place to give you one anyways.so fuck you, and fuck all your fucking problems. Just don’t fuck up the game for the rest of us, cause you’re not the only one on court. and if you still think that you are right after all the shit that has happened over this last year, you are fucking blind. If at the games you’re going to pull another drama stint, I’ll point you the middle finger and leave you lying there. I will not be one of those who’d walk over and still care. Cause’ you have had enough of my caring. You have given me enough of your bullshit. fuck you and have a nice day.

FUCK YOU